For The Nights
by MissMarie in Wonderland
Summary: One of the Warblers has found himself slipping back into a rather dangerous habit. While he may not see a problem, those around him are left to either uncover his secret and risk losing him, or sit back and watch him self-destruct. TW: Self-harm
1. Chapter 1

He had been an idiot to believe that Wes wouldn't be the one to notice.

To be fair to himself, he hadn't expected anyone to notice, least of all the Council Head. Though, looking back on it, that should have been the obvious answer. Wes picked up on everything about everyone, and no matter how hard to convince himself otherwise, he was no exception.

"Warbler Jeff? Could you hang back for a bit, please?" He was confused as to what he had done wrong, but figured Wes had a good reason for asking, so he agreed and told Nick he would meet up with him.

"What's up?" He asked once the room was empty, sitting down on one of the couch arms, hoping whatever Wes wanted to say wouldn't take too long.

Wes seemed to hesitate a moment before speaking. "Is everything alright?" Jeff was genuinely taken aback by the question. "You've been acting off lately, it just seems like there's something on your mind."

Did it? He had thought he was being inconspicuous, and to the best of his knowledge, he was succeeding. He had been keeping up in school and rehearsal, not even Nick had noticed a difference. Jeff had taken that to mean he hadn't been acting out of his norm. Then again, Wes was perceptive to the point of it being creepy. If there was something wrong in any way, shape, or form, he was the first to notice.

And that terrified Jeff, once he realized what he was facing here.

Because no one could lie to Wes.

. . . always worth a shot, right? "Yeah, everything's fine." Jeff answered, his voice displaying his confusion at the question. From his spot, he heard Wes sigh before the older boy stood from the Council Desk and moved to sit opposite Jeff, eyeing him cautiously.

Shit. Jeff knew that look. Every Warbler knew that look. That was Wes' 'get ready for an impromptu therapy session or face my wrath' look. "Jeff, you know you're a terrible liar, right?"

You know I hate when you're right, right? "Wes, really, I'm fine. Maybe a little stressed from schoolwork, but that's everyone around here."

There was an awkward moment where Wes did nothing but stare at Jeff, making the younger boy shift in discomfort. God, he hated when he was under anyone's microscope, especially with no chance at an escape. Maybe he could feign needing to see the nurse to get out of this! That'd work, but he'd said he was feeling fine. . . He could just fake an asthma attack! . . . Except Wes knew he didn't have asthma. That wouldn't work. . . "Jeff?"

"Hmm?" Shit, he hadn't been talking out loud, had he?

"You zoned out for a second. . . talk to me, what's up?"

Jeff shook his head. "Nothing, Wes, I swear." The look on Wes's face showed clear disbelief. "I just didn't sleep last night, and I think I'm getting a cold, so I'm a bit out of it. I'll be fine tomorrow, I promise." He attempted to give a reassuring smile, but it was not clear rather Wes believed it or not. "Nick knows I was up studying, he's pretty much forcing me to go to sleep early." That part, at least, was the truth. "After I wake up, I should be back to normal."

The older boy's face remained unreadable, and there were a few more seconds were Jeff knew he was being scrutinized. Eventually, Wes sighed and spoke. "Alright, just make sure to take care of yourself, alright?"

_Finally_, Jeff thought, letting out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. "Yeah, I know. Like I said, it'll be fine tomorrow." He smiled once more, pushing himself up and heading towards the exit. _That was close. . . _

"Jeff, wait." It wasn't so much the words that stopped Jeff as it was the tone of Wes's voice. There was hesitation behind it, something usually undetectable had it come from anyone else. But Wes never hesitated unless he was dreading something. Jeff looked over his shoulder in time to see Wes get up from his own position and move to stand beside him.

He was a bit apprehensive, which attributed to his inability to move when Wes pushed the door shut and made to lean against the wall. Jeff prepared himself for another few seconds of silence, and couldn't help freezing when Wes jumped straight to the point. "Jeff, show me your arms."

Any doubts Jeff had about the true meaning of this little meeting were quickly erased. He tried to fight back the fear he know felt, but he was sure it was at least partially evident, especially to someone as perceptive as Wes. "I don't. . . There's nothing wrong with my arms, why do you want to see them?"

"You know why, Jeff." If Wes were to be honest with himself, he really didn't want to be having this discussion. He wanted for Jeff to just be sick, and for him to go back to his dorm where Nick would fawn over him like a mother hen until he was feeling better, and then he would be back to normal.

"I . . . you've seen my arms, though."

Of course he had, most of the Warblers had. Fall of his freshman year, when it had been pushing 70 degrees and Dalton's air condition had decided to turn faulty in the music room. Most of the other boys had discarded their blazers and rolled their sleeves up to help with the heat. He hadn't wanted to raise suspicion, so he had simply followed their lead, only keeping his sleeves in place. He had not predicted Nick slipping, causing both of them to crash into a table, and he had most certainly not predicted that irritating the cuts enough to reopen them.

So, he had pretty much stood there with a cocktail of mixed emotions as his white shirt was stained red, and the rest of the guys came to their own conclusions as to why. Nick had been frantic, terrified that he had been the entire cause of the injury and apologizing at the speed of sound, and had unbuttoned and pushed the sleeves up before Jeff even had a chance to gather himself together. That had shut the room up.

By the time he had found his composure and covered his arms back up, most of the Warblers had been ushered out of the room, leaving the council and Nick with a now distressed Jeff. It wasn't as if Wes had forgotten that incident; on the contrary, it was that and the resulting few months that had ignited the current thoughts racing through his brain.

"I know I have. Jeff, please don't make this difficult." For the first time in a long time, Wes wanted to be wrong. But if Jeff's body language was any indicator, he had hit the nail on the head. "Just. . . show me and we can both forget this whole thing, alright?"

Jeff's heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest, and suddenly the room seemed a lot smaller. He had no idea how to get out of this. .. he didn't know if he _could_ get out of this. Wes was still watching him impassively. Jeff knew he was an awful liar, and for some unknown reason, no one had the ability to lie to Wes. He was trapped. "Wes, I. . . please don't make me show you."

"Jeff. . . "

He noticed the sadness in Wes' eyes, the way he seemed to slump over in defeat. "Okay, it's okay. It's not. . . like before, I promise."

"That doesn't matter, Jeff. The fact that you're doing it again means something is wrong." Wes had pushed himself off the wall and was now directly in front of Jeff. "What happened? We all thought you were doing well."

Obviously, you all thought wrong. "I was. I mean. . . I am. It's just stressful lately, so things just got a bit. . . not good."

Wes sighed deeply. "Does anyone know you've started again? Nick, or anyone?"

With a small shake of the head, Jeff answered with a tone of defeat. "No one knows. Well, no one _knew_."

Another sigh. "Jeff, you need to tell someone about this. You need help."

"No!" It came out much more panicked than he had intended. "Wes, no, you can't. . . tell anyone."

"Jeff, you can't expect me to keep this a secret. You're hurting yourself again, you _know_ what happened last time." Now it was Wes' turn to display panic.

"_Please."_ Wes was torn. They had tried to deal with this before without getting adults involved, but that had ended terribly. And the fact that Jeff had returned to hiding the cutting from everyone was proof enough that he most certainly did not have it under control. On the other hand, Jeff looked absolutely terrified at the idea of anyone finding out. And telling people could only make things worse if Jeff felt it was that much of a threat. At least if he kept it between them, he could make keep an eye on him without worrying about him taking drastic measures.

He did not want to, but Wes realized he had to concede. "Okay. . . fine, I won't tell anyone else."Jeff felt his body relax, not realizing how tense he had been. "Just. . . Jeff, you need to stop. I shouldn't need to tell you this, but. . . "

Jeff bit his lip. "It's not like last time. I won't let it get bad, I promise."

"It doesn't matter rather it gets bad or not, what matters is that you're doing it at all." Wes was trying his best to not sound like he was forcing it on him. "Jeff, man, you can't. . . If you want to do it, just come find me. Please. Or anyone, really, so long as you don't take it out on yourself. You're better than that, Jeff."

". . . alright." Not going to happen, he didn't need anyone else getting dragged into this. He could take care of himself. He wasn't better than this; people had wasted enough of their valuable time and concern (and a few tears) on him already. He wasn't worth it. He knew he wasn't, and the sooner they all realized it, the better.

Not that Wes had to know that, at least.

As soon as he was ok'd to leave, he jetted out as fast as his legs would carry him. He was grateful to be done for the day, knowing he would at least be able to sleep through the night with how exhausted the last few minutes had made him. Rounding a corner, he was even more grateful to see Nick leaning against a corridor wall, waiting for him.

"Finally! I was beginning to think Wes had killed you and was burying you under the floorboards or something." He commented, walking alongside Jeff down the hall.

"Um. . . he just saw I was sick and was asking me about it, that's all." He shrugged, hoping he was at least able to tell small white lies.

It seemed he could, as Nick shrugged in acceptance. "Mama Warbler worrying about her little chickadees again." The both laughed, and Jeff felt even more of his tension from before lessening. "So do you want to go get dinner, or do you just want to go to the room and sleep? You've looked dead on your feet all day."

"Food! God, Nick, it's like you don't know me at all."

"Of course. Silly me, ignoring Jeffy's belly." Nick smiled as soon as aforementioned belly decided to let out a growl. "Guess I should have waited ten seconds to ask."

"It's saying feed me. Obey it, Nicky."

Right. No need to worry, Wes, he had it all taken care of.

Of course he did.

* * *

_I'm beginning to realize that I have this weird passion for tormenting fictional characters. It's sort of an expansion of part of my Wes one-shot, and the way my Kurtbastian fic is currently planned out, it's going to be alluded to. So, I decided to write this. This is, obviously, just the beginning, but let me know what you think nonetheless._


	2. Chapter 2

The faucet was running as cold as he could get it, and Jeff found himself gripping the sink tightly, trying to catch his breath. _I'll have to go change. . . _While he had rolled up his sleeves to avoid getting blood on them, it had been a fruitless effort. There may have been a minimal chance of it being seen, but he had learned by now that it was not worth the risk.

The water made the cuts sting more, but at least it had stemmed the blood flow. His latest history paper had been crumpled in his bag, hidden as far from his sight as he could get it. He didn't want to look at it, not with the obnoxiously huge **'D'** mocking him.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid. . . _With each thought, he banged his fist against the sink. His eyes were tightly shut as he leaned forward to rest his head against the mirror. He could have gotten an A, no problem. But the paper had been assigned last minute, and the entire class had freaked out over it. The teacher had even said he would be lenient with the grading, and people who would normally score lower than him had managed at least a 'B.' If he had just stayed awake to finish it, he could have bested them. No, he had decided to go to sleep and finish it in the morning. . . God, that had been a mistake.

But he had been so tired, and Nick had practically forced him to go to bed ("you can finish it in the morning. It's bad enough I'm an insomniac, I'm not letting you turn into one, too.") It wasn't Nick's fault, though. He had fallen asleep soon after, and if Jeff had any will-power, he could have waited until then and snuck on his laptop to finish it. Not that it would have been much help, anyways. If he was actually intelligent at all, it wouldn't have mattered when it was written. Jesus, he was a dumbass. . .

A loud knock cut him out of his thoughts. "Hey, Jeff, are you alright in there? You've been in there a while. . . " He recognized the worry in Nick's voice. It was always there whenever Jeff locked himself away for more than a few minutes. Nick had seen the grade before Jeff had tucked it away, and was clearly concerned. He shouldn't be. . .

"Yeah, Nicky, I'm fine." He didn't bother trying to hide the shaking in his voice, knowing Nick would attribute it to crying. While Jeff most definitely did not him to know that, either, it was a better alternative to what else he had been doing.

He wiped a hand over his eyes to get rid of the left-over tears (taking note of their puffiness), and turned the water off before unlocking the door. Doing so, he found Nick slumped down against the wall next to it, looking up at him as soon as he was out of the bathroom. "Jeff, talk to me."

Translation: _Talk to me so you don't hurt yourself_. It was a bit too late for that, but Nick didn't need to know that. Jeff shrugged, reaching his (right) arm out to help Nick up before heading over to his dresser. He made sure not to face Nick as he pulled his button-up off and replaced it with an identical one. "I'm fine. It's fine. . ."

"No, you're not." It was almost impossible for someone as bad at lying as Jeff to convince his best friend that he was alright. "Hey, look at me." Jeff moved to sit on his bed and looked across the dorm at Nick, tossing his shirt in the hamper as he did so. Nick was scanning him, clearly looking for any indication that Jeff had hurt himself. Not seeing any (thank God,) he visibly relaxed. "It's one grade. This paper doesn't even count for that much."

Jeff just lowered his head, nodding. "I know. Just. . . I hate when they're right. I should have aced it. I mean, I know I'm stupid, but. . . "

"Jeff, you're not stupid. Everyone has off days, okay?" He just nodded again. "You don't even need to tell _them_ about it. Me, you and Mr. Becker are probably the only the only one's who'll ever even see it." By now, Nick had sat down next to him on his bed, arm thrown over his shoulder in comfort. "You're one of the smartest people I know, you are far from being stupid. Even if this does change your grade, I know you can get it back up with no problem. It's okay, Jeff."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right.." _No, it's not okay. Why is Nick lying to him, saying he's smart? Doesn't matter if they don't know, I'll know, and that is just as bad. I could have gotten an A. If I had gotten an A, I wouldn't need to hide it from _them_. It I wasn't so fucking stupid, then it would be okay. . . _ He sniffled and smiled up at his friend. "Thanks, Nicky."

"That's what friends are for." Nick grinned, pushing himself off of the bed. "Don't be so harsh on yourself. Come on, practice starts in ten. I don't want Wes to hit me with the gavel again, that shit hurts."

To Jeff's relief, Wes had not bring the cutting subject up to him at the rehearsal following his discovery. Or the one after that, or the one after that. In fact, if it weren't for those brown eyes following him like a hawk whenever they were in the same room, he would have thought the incident had never happened. And considering no one – Warbler or otherwise – had come to talk to him or even looked at him differently, it seemed like Wes had kept his promise not to tell.

And yet, almost like a six sense, he could feel Wes watching him even harder (which he had previously thought impossible) than ever. Or maybe he was simply being paranoid. Either way, he was being watched. Until he decided to speak up during practice, halting the entire room.

"Warbler Nick," Jeff figured he was more surprised by Wes speaking up than Nick, "you seem out of it today."

Nick took a minute to get over his shock before answering. "Sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Why not?" Jeff did not miss the way Wes' eyes flickered over to him.

Nick, however, did not take notice, and just shrugged. "Ran out of pills."That had been a double-sided question. . . if there was something mild that seemed wrong, there was no issue with it being called out during practice. There was no one being scrutinized with those questions, because they were all keened into one another. They were like a secondary family, and it was all based on concern. Questions were only asked after if Wes thought there was a potentially hurtful problem. If he was questioning Nick on something that was no secret (everyone knew about his insomnia, he had no reason to hide it,) then he was looking to know rather or not it had anything to do with Jeff.

Not that it had. Jeff had fallen asleep early last night. He tried to stay awake as long as possible whenever Nick's pills started wearing off. But he hadn't known they were.

"When was the last time you slept?" David asked from beside Wes. Nick shrugged, making Jeff uneasy about the answer. "Nick."

"Monday night?"

"What?" Jeff snapped around to look at his best friend. Today was Thursday. He hadn't known that, Nick had never said anything. . . Why didn't he notice? Nick shot him an apologetic look at his reaction to the news. Jeff gave a look of his own: 'we're talking later.'

"Nick, go back to your dorm and sleep. Or lay down, just try to get some rest." There were a few words of agreement from the other Warblers, before Nick feigned defeat and left.

The rest of rehearsal seemed to drag on, and Wes continued to have his eyes glued to Jeff. He knew if he lingered too long afterwards, he would be asked to stay behind. Hence the reason why, as soon as 5 o'clock hit, he made sure he was the first out of his room. If Wes wanted to talk to him, it would have to wait until later. Nick was what mattered right now.

He hadn't expected Nick to be asleep, so he was not surprised to find him just lying in bed, eyes shut but no other indication that he was asleep. "Why didn't you tell me you couldn't sleep?"

Nick's eyes fluttered open and he turned on his side to look at Jeff. "Sorry. It didn't seem worth bringing up."

Yeah it is. It I hate you staying up all night alone." _While I'm sleeping peacefully, that isn't fair to you. . _

"I called in my Zolpiderm earlier; it should be ready by tomorrow. It's no big deal, Jeffy." Jeff sighed and sat on his own bed. "You would have just tried to stay awake, too. I'm used to it, you're not."

"So?"

"Jeff, stop it. I'll be sleeping just fine tomorrow night. I'm sorry, okay?"

"I'm sorry, too. . . "

Nick pushed himself into a sitting position on his bed. "What for?"

"I should have noticed you weren't sleeping."

"Jeff, it's fine." There was a determination to make Jeff sure of that. "I didn't want you staying awake, you've barely slept lately as is. I'm okay." He made sure he was looking Jeff right in the eyes. "I'm actually very tired right now, so I'll be well-rested for tomorrow."

There was no point in getting himself worked up over the situation, so Jeff decided to concede. "Alright. . . Sweet dreams Nicky, try to keep them PG."

Nick scoffed and nestled himself back into his blankets. "Whatever. G'night, dork."

Jeff did not know how long he sat, pretending to do homework, before the Nick's light snores told him the other boy was out cold. He waited another five minutes just listening before throwing the books aside and climbing out of bed.

He should had realized. Nick was his. . . best friend. Yeah, his friend. He always knew when Jeff was out of it, but Jeff couldn't even see that he hadn't slept in 4 days. Sure, Nick was a well-functioning insomniac, and no one else seemed to have noticed except for Wes. . . but that was the problem. It didn't matter how perceptive Wes was, Jeff was Nick's best friend. If anyone had noticed something wrong, it should have been him. But he had been too focused on himself to see it.

At the least, he should have stayed awake. He usually tried to wait until Nick fell asleep before doing it himself, just to make sure. But he had been exhausted from everything lately, and he had been selfish to sleep first . . . maybe it wasn't dangerous to Nick at this point, but it was still unhealthy. It was still something any half-decent roommate/best friend should have seen.

And he. Hadn't Noticed.

Wait to be a shit friend, Jeffery.

He quietly closed the bathroom door, not wanting to wake Nick. Turning the faucet on, he opened the medicine cabinet (taking particular notice of the empty orange prescription bottle) and slid his phone out of his pocket. There were a few texts he decided to look at later as he slid the case off. The silver razor fell out on to the sink, and he immediately picked it up.

With a sigh, he rolled up his sleeves and set to work.

* * *

_I am so very glad people actually seem to like this so far, thank you! As with my other stories, I feel cruel and sadistic for what I have in plan, but at the same time, I love it. I'll updated this as frequently as I can, but I'm not quite sure how often that will be since my main focus is on m Kurtbastian fic. But since parts of this will be referenced in that, I'll try to make it as often as possible. There isn't much more that I have to say, other than I hope you enjoyed, please let me know what you think, and stay tuned if you do so wish._


	3. Chapter 3

"We're all invited to your wedding, right? I call best man!"

"Come on, guys, it's not like that."

"Please, Blaine, you could practically see the sexual tension during the song."

Well that was certainly interesting to walk in on first thing in the morning. "What are we all ganging up on Blaine for this time?" Nick asked curiously as he sat down at the table. Jeff took his seat next to him, both of them giving their short friend a look.

Blaine shook his head, embarrassment clear. "Blaine met a guy." Trent answered with a teasing undertone.

"I did not meet a guy." A laugh from the whole table made him rethink his words. "Okay, yes, I met a guy. But not a guy like that."

"I'm pretty sure anyone with a dick constitutes one type of guy, Blaine. Unless you know for a fact any indication otherwise, in which case, _get it_."

Blaine buried his face in his hands, but the red on his face still showed. "Shut up, _Thaddeus._"

"Is he cute?" Jeff asked, reaching over to pick at David's plate, narrowly avoiding being stabbed with a fork.

"Very."

"Wes!"

"What? Just 'cause I'm straight doesn't mean I don't appreciate aesthetics." Wes shrugged, feigning innocence.

Blaine let out a sigh of defeat and moved to put his clasp his hands together behind his back. "I hate all of you so much. . . ."

"No, you don't."

"Bite me."

"I don't think Kurt would appreciate that." Still bright red, Blaine threw his napkin across the table at Trent before turning to Nick and Jeff to explain.

"Yesterday. McKinley sent him over to act as a spy - -"

"A very bad spy."

Blaine shot David a dirty look before continuing. "Yes, a very bad spy, and me, Wes, and David took him out to talk to him."

"Yeah, before Blaine shooed us away for a little alone time." Another dirty look. "They had a nice little conversation – Blaine here won't tell us what about – but it must have been a good one, since he came back just gushing about the kid." If it was possible, Blaine blushed harder. "It's true. You wouldn't be getting hassled if you'd spoken one sentence in the past 12 hours that didn't have his name in it."

"Speaking of something that doesn't involve me, where did you two disappear to yesterday?" Blaine was all too eager to change the subject.

Nick shrugged. "I had to go to the pharmacy, and Jeff wanted an excuse to bail." This earned him a smack across the head from said 'bailer.' "Ow! I mean. . . Jeff was kindly escorting me so as not to risk an otherwise avoidable accident."

Blaine scoffed. "Good cover."

"Yeah, but apparently that was a bad idea; otherwise, we may have missed our opportunity to see Blainey-boo's love at first sight."

It was done in a friendly manner, Blaine wrapping his arm around Jeff's and pulling back to get him to stop talking. He couldn't have known it would hurt in any way. Nonetheless, as soon as Blaine pulled back, a flar of pain shot straight through the blond's arm.

Jeff did his best to fight back a hiss of pain, but to no avail. Instantly, he had five pairs of eyes locked on him. It took him a second to catch his breath, in which time he felt a hand on his back. "Oh, my God, Jeff, I am so sorry! Did I hurt you?"

He had to make a conscious effort not to start rubbing his left arm. God, he hoped that haddn't reopen anything. . . "No, just. . . I think you got a bruise." _That was way too much of a reaction to just a small bruise, dumbass_.

It seemed like the others doubted the explanation, too. Shit, raising suspicion was not what he needed. Having once person know was bad enough. . . "Jesus, what kind of bruise is that painful?"

"Um. . . I slipped in the shower and bashed it against the. . . wall." Maybe he should take lessons on lying; he was fucking terrible at it.

Maybe it wasn't so much that he was a bad liar. Maybe it was just his abhorrent hatred of the entire act. It made him feel dirty and pathetic, especially lying to people he cared about, and who clearly cared about him. The only reason he even did it in the first place was to protect them. They didn't need to fuss over him again. They had already done way too much for him, and he was pretty much betraying all of that.

Their eyes were still on him, and there was not much in them to indicate that they believed him. Well, Wes clearly did not believe him; the others all had looks on their faces that showed they wanted to believe him, at least. . . "Maybe you should get it looked at. If you hit it hard enough, it could've sprained or something."

"Yeah." Thank you, Blaine. It was a pretty pathetic excuse, though it was probably meant to explain it away as something other than what everyone else was thinking. . . Either way, Jeff definitely appreciated it. "You might be right. I'll go to the nurse if it keeps hurting." No, I won't.

"If it's hurting that bad, maybe you should go now." Wes shot him a knowing look, conveying a hidden message across the table. Jeff shifted his eyes downwards and shook his head.

"No, s'okay."It was blind trust. It was reluctance to admit what no one wanted to even think about that made him so believable.

There was still doubt from all around him, but his friends all gave rather slight head nods before returning to their food and family-friendly teasing. Beside him, Nick pushed himself up from the table, grabbing his dishes and thinking for a second. "Shit."

"What's up?"

"I think I left my key in the room." That was odd; Nick never forgot his key. "Jeff, come let me in so I can get it?"

Oh.

Translation: Hey, Jeff, let's get out of here so I can talk to you without creating a spectacle.

Nick realized that Jeff caught on to his lie, and remained silent while they departed the cafeteria and headed back for their dorm. "You always have your key, it's practically housed in your bag."

"There's a first time for everything, right?" Nick shot him a smile while he began rummaging through his desk drawers. "Hey, Jeff?"

"Yeah, Nicky?"

"You, um. . . you're doing okay, right?"

Shit, shit, shit. "Of course I'm doing fine. Why do you ask?" Stupid question, Jeff, you know why he asked. He doesn't believe you, No one believes you, you fucking moron.

Nick hesitated before speaking. "You didn't tell me you hurt your arm."

"It's just a bruise; I didn't know I had to tell you." He snapped back, immediately hating himself. Nick looked hurt at his words. But Jeff was tired and wanted nothing more than to just go to class, go to practice, and go to bed. Hell, if he wasn't terrified of Wes trying to make him talk, he would ask to have practice off completely. He could always ask David or Thad. . .

"Sorry. It's just. . . you'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"

"Yeah. You know I would." Nick nodded, admittedly with hesitance. He closed his desk drawer, giving up the rouse of key searching to lean back against the desk. "Don't look so worried, Nicky."

He knew it was pointless to say, because Nick would worry about him regardless. Just like Wes would worry, and Blaine would worry, and everyone else who had been there for his accident would worry whenever they thought he was slipping again. "If you were. . . hurting yourself again, you'd tell us, right?"

". . . why would you even ask that?" Don't show you're anxiety, Jeff. Hide it, fight it, lie to your best friend's face like the poor, pathetic excuse for a person you are. "I wouldn't do something like that again, I'm not that dumb." Yes, you are. They're right, you can't even convince yourself that you're fine.

"I know, but we worry, y'know?" Don't. I'm not worth it. Nick seemed to take notice of Jeff's body language, the way he was squirming trying not to look him in the eyes. "Look, Jeffy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"It's okay." Jeff tried to make his smile reassuring. As reassuring as one could make themselves look while repressing an anxiety attack and wanting to hack your skin to pieces because you're an awful excuse for a friend. "I'm not going to start it again, I'm better. I know your guys worry, and I appreciate it. If I want to start again, I'll talk to you. I promise."

He hated himself for abusing Nick's trust, but was grateful at this exact point in time. His friend smiled at him. "Alright. I guess I'm just a bit paranoid, is all."

"I get it."

Instead of replying, Nick threw an arm around Jeff's shoulders and grinned. "Just making sure you know I'm looking out for you. Class?"

"Yeah. Thanks to your bad lying, we're gonna have to run unless we want to be late."

"You're the one who went along with my lame lying, bro. We're in the same boat, headed straight for detention. Race you."

* * *

Nick was torn. Either Jeff was telling the proof and he had some serious trust issues, or Jeff was lying, in which case he was wise to have trust issues. He wanted to think the former, and just deal with the paranoia in its own time. Then again, he had learned before that there was only so many times Jeff could say everything was fine and have it be an honest answer.

He had ultimately decided to rule neither possibility out, and found himself in Blaine's room later that night. There had been talk amongst all the Warblers who had been present at the breakfast incident as to if Jeff was being honest or not. He could have gone to one of the council members, since they always seemed to know more than the rest, but that had seemed like it could cause unnecessary problems.

"I just don't want anything to happen to him." Nick was sitting on Blaine's floor, while the boy himself was on his bed.

Blaine frowned. "

"I want to, but it's hard. He's just been off lately. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there."

"Have you seen any cuts?"

It took a minute of thinking before nick would answer. "Not that I've noticed, but he can be good at hiding things when he wants to." Blaine nodded in agreement. "Maybe I'm just worrying too much."

Blaine didn't answer; instead, he just kept his eyes locked on Nick. "You really care about him, don't you?"

"What? Of course I care about him, he's my best friend." Blaine gave him a knowing look, but didn't push the point any further. He's going home in a few weeks for a birthday or something, and I don't want him to come back and do something he'll regret."

"Well, he came back over the summer relatively fine, and that was after three whole months with them. One weekend shouldn't regress him too much."

"But he spent about 90% of those months at someone else's house. I guess you're right, though. . . "

Blaine took in Nick's disbelief, hopping off of his bed and sitting down next to him. "If Jeff is cutting again, no one can really do anything until we know for sure. I guess all we _can_ do is hope he comes to us if we need it."

"Yeah. . . " Not that Nick particularly liked worrying about his best friend. Maybe everyone else had been convinced he was alright (well, at least up until earlier, that is,) but Nick knew better. Jeff had been acting strange for weeks now: he had been eating a bit less, a little more silent than usual. . . tiny, miniscule things that most would not pick up on. But Nick was not most people.

"Look, we've done everything we can to make sure Jeff knows how much we all care about him and will be there for him. We have to trust he'll come to us if he needs it." Nick nodded, knowing he was right. He hated thinking about Jeff like that, hated knowing that Jeff had –even if it was in the past- had been in such a dark place where hurting himself was the only option he saw fit.

But Blaine was right. They couldn't exactly force Jeff to tell them definitively whether or not he was hurting; hell, they didn't even have any solid proof to indicate tha.

"Alright. I know your right. Okay, enough of this; tell me about this Kurt kid."

* * *

I hope this helped establish some sort of timeline. I wanted to have this up earlier, but the beginning didn't want to happen. BUT I have things for next chapter planned out pretty well, so it'll be up ASAP.

Thank you all so much for your reviews :) And the alerts, and the favorites. Even just for reading, I really do appreciate it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Major trigger warning for self-harm**

* * *

_They had all looked at him differently. Some of them watched him with concern, some with disgust, but the vast majority looked at him with pity._

_That was the worst of them all. He didn't deserve their pity. Not that he deserved those who looked over him with worthy, either, that was just a strike to his heart. At least the few who managed to look at him with disgust and fear without being called out on it were giving him what he deserved. He hated when Nick hovered over him every second of every day, when people were constantly asking how he was and refusing to let him out of their sight._

_And that was hard enough to deal with. He wasn't some fragile, broken little boy; no, he was simply giving himself what he deserved, and why couldn't they see that? He wasn't worthy of that concern, of their love. _

_He was promptly reminded of this after getting back his last Geometry test of the semester. Maybe some would have been content with a __**C**__, but he was not. Because he KNEW math had always been his trouble area, so why hadn't he put in the extra time while studying? He knew why, they had been having late Warbler practices the nights leading up to the test. The Council had said it was optional, that anyone who had to miss because of their study schedule would not be faulted. But Jeff should have been able to balance both of them. He figured it wouldn't be too difficult, until he had actually gotten the test sheet and felt like he would pass out._

_It was the final one of the semester, and he just knew it was going to completely tank his grade. The grade his parents were going to see. . . They had told him when he had first auditioned for the Warblers that if it affected his grades, he would be right out. They would jump at any reason to take that away from him, and this would be their golden opportunity._

_It wouldn't matter that he had A's in every other class, and he was pretty sure he was at least in the top ten for his class so far. It didn't matter that Dalton was nationally-renowned for accepting only the crème de la crème in regards to academics. And it certainly didn't matter that he-a freshman- had been asked to help choreograph the rest of their dance moves for the year._

_No. The only thing that they would take notice of was their stupid, pathetic, lazy excuse of a son, and he did not want to know what they would do to him, considering he would be home for break when they got his report card. The thought alone was enough for him to spend the break between the end of class and the beginning of Warbler's practice fighting off an anxiety attack._

_Nick had asked to walk to practice, and Jeff had pulled himself together enough to fake a smile and go. But once they were in the room, waiting for the clock to strike 4, his mind jumped into overdrive. This might be one of the last times he got to join in with his friends. And instead of being able to think of it as a fun time, he spent it feeling himself being scrutinized by those around him. He knew they were talking about his arms, about how he needed help and someone needed to be told and had he done it again? _

_He had to get out of there. If he didn't, he would just end up breaking down, and the last thing he needed was to attract any more attention to himself. No, what he needed was buried in the bottom of his bag. _

_With a quick shout to Nick that he had to use the bathroom, he was up and out of the room. The pack of razor blades was out of his bag and into his hand before he had even gotten to the restroom. One quick scan was enough to tell him he was alone, and he cast his bag aside to get to work._

_The bathroom was cold, but he was focused solely on the motion of his hand and his own steady breathing._

_One for missing the grade. _One.

_One for CRYING over it because you were too lazy to study_. Two.

_Three for continuing to be a failure. _Five.

_Two for worrying everybody who actually gives a damn about you because you couldn't handle being a little over-heated for a few hours_. Seven.

_The longer he went on, the more violent the marks became. The more violent the marks became, the more he would make. The more he made, the more reasons entered his mind to continue, until he was shaking and his vision was spinning._

_The next thing he knew, he was lying on the floor, trying to steady his breathing. He could hear the water still running, and felt something sticky against his exposed skin. . . He tried to tell himself it wasn't blood, but he knew it was a fruitless effort. His arms felt like lead, too heavy to move. . . Everything felt too heavy to move. _

_With his ear right against the floor, he could hear footsteps echo until they halted nearby, followed by a familiar voice. "Hey, Jeff, the guys want to kno- - Oh, my God, Jeff." His eyes wandered over to the bathroom entrance to see Blaine standing there, a hand over his mouth and eyes wide._

"_Bl- -" He tried to speak, but it only came out in short syllables. "Blai- - I ca - -"_

_Before he could get any more out, Blaine had darted out the door, and Jeff could hear yelling from his spot. It seemed like he had only blinked before there were at least five people gathered around him and a few more standing in the doorway._

"_Jeff, what did you do?"_

"_Oh, God. . . "_

"_Don't just stand there, someone go get help!" That voice was David, he recognized that much. Jeff managed to move his head, letting out a yelp of pain when he tried to do the same with the rest of his body. "Jeff, you need to stay with us, okay?" There was scuttling as some of the Warblers in the doorway raced off to find an adult, but that seemed a vain attempt. Most everyone would have left by this time; the best chance they had was to run across the grounds to the dormitories and pray someone was there._

_Starting to feel himself shake, David fought it back and quickly sat down next to Jeff. He tried to take Jeff's bleeding wrists into his own hands, but couldn't help when a spurt of blood caused him to drop them. "Shit. . ." He sat back, trying not to feel sick._

_He was joined on the floor by Thad, who quickly pressed paper towels to the deeper wound on the left arm. "We need something stronger to stop the blood." He said as the paper towels were instantly turned red. Blaine, who had been standing nearby, grabbed some more and handed them to Thad._

_Jeff was beginning to dissociate from the situation. He didn't feel anything, except the occasional pressure in his wrists. He watched as everyone hurried around him. Blaine looked frantic, not quite sure what to do while David and Thad kept trying to stem the blood flow. His eye wandered around to see Wes standing, to his genuine shock, almost completely still just a few inches away, leaning against a sink. He would have expected Wes to enter his serious mode and be the one calling the shots here. Further in the background, he searched the sea of blurred blue for the only face he wanted to see: Nick. His eyes managed to make out the familiar form, standing with his back against the wall. And he smiled. Nicky was here, that was all he needed to know._

"_Jeff? No no no, Jeff, don't zone out on us, man." Thad lightly patted his cheek, trying to keep him awake. He was beginning to grow unable to hide the panic in his own voice, and looked around for help. "You guys, there's only so much I can do here."_

"_God, did they WALK to the hospital for help? Where are they?" David sounded frustrated._

"_Shit." He heard someone say when his eyes started fluttering shut. God, he was tired. . . "Someone needs to get him talking, I can't fucking do both!" Now Thad sounded angry, too. He had pissed them both off. He hadn't meant to. . . _

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you don't have to stop it. I'll be okay. Jeff wanted to apologize for making them mad. "I- - m'sorry." His chest hurt, and he felt a panic rising in his chest._

"_No, Jeff. Don't be sorry." Blaine seemed to have listened to Thad, and had crouched down while he and David continued. He was looking sick himself, his skin having lost almost all color. "Jeff, you need to stay awake." _

_Jeff wanted to listen to Blaine. Blaine was his friend. He loved Blaine. And David, and Thad. But he didn't want to talk to them. "Ni- - I need Ni- - " His breathing was too ragged to even attempt to finish. Fortunately, they understood, and almost like magic, Nick was sitting next to Blaine, looking right into Jeff's eyes._

"_I'm here. Jeff, please don't fall asleep." Nick's voice seemed even more terrified than the other's had been. Or maybe Jeff was just more keened into him than the others. He let out a hiss of pain when Thad pressed Jeff's discarded blazer against the still bleeding wound, having run out of paper towel._

"_Damn it, what the hell's taking them so long?"_

"_Nicky, m'so tired. . . " Because even though David and Thad and Blaine were around him, he couldn't hear them. Nick's voice was the only thing that mattered._

"_Nick, don't let him close his eyes. He could go into shock."_

"_. . .What'd happen then?"_

"_Nothing good, just do it!" If Jeff had been able to move, he would have shrunk back from the usually unheard hostility in Thad's voice. _

_Nick's eyes were wide with fear and mild surprise, but he swallowed and nodded. "Jeff. . . Jeffy, you can't sleep. Stay awake." He wasn't demanding, or even asking; he was begging."I need you to stay awake, buddy, okay?"_

"_But it really hurts. . . Nicky, I'm sorry. . . "_

"_Sorry for what? Just keep talking to me, it'll be okay." Nick was trying to assure himself of that fact rather than Jeff, but he knew it wasn't working. David had started cussing under his breath, now at a loss for what to do and leaving Thad to manage the blood. Blaine was still next to Nick, trying to keep Jeff talking as well._

"_I didn't mean to make you guys angry. . . " He gave a small shake of his head, trying to ignore the pain it caused. "M'sorry. . . "_

"_No, Jeff, we're not mad at you." Thad told him. "Blaine, hold this here." He grabbed the younger boy's hand and moved so that it was keeping Jeff's blazer against his wrist. He kept talking as he stood up, quickly fishing through the paper towels for the ones least soaked with blood. "Just. . . bit of a high-pressure situation here, kid, we're not angry."_

"_Yeah. . . " David quickly stepped in, seeing Blaine still white from all the blood. "Blaine, go call 911 again, tell them to hurry their asses up." It was more so an excuse to get Blaine out of the room before they had two passed out teenage boys on their hands He jumped in to take Blaine's place and hold the heavy fabric against the wound.. "Jeff, we're not mad, okay? We're scared, just. . . listen to Nick."_

"_Jeff?"_

"_Nicky, I don't want to die." No one in the room moved after he had spoken. In fact, if it weren't for his own sharp breathing and the still running faucet, it would have been dead silent. "I di—I didn't mean it to be so bad, I ju- - "_

"_You're not gonna die, okay?" It was obvious in Nick's voice that he was trying not to cry. "I promise, just please. . . please keep talking to me. We're. . . someone's going to be here soon and we'll get you help. It's going to be okay."_

_Everything was cold. It was cold and the floor was sticky and he wanted to sleep, but they wouldn't let him. They should let him sleep, please just let him sleep. "Jeff!"_

_The yelling made him want to cry. Or maybe it was the burning sensation that had concentrated itself into his forearm. Either way, he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer._

* * *

He had woken up in the hospital, arm stitched shut and a psychologist at the ready to talk to him. His doctor – he later found out it was Thad's mother – had informed him he would have to be placed under psychiatric hold for a few days, and that his parents were on their way down from Michigan as they spoke.

He had gone into another full-fledged panic attack after hearing that, and had managed to barely avoid being sedated. He hadn't been allowed to see anyone other than his parents – who refused to see him, anyways – so he had been terrified. Then they had no choice but to take him home for the break, seeing as how Dalton was closed for the holiday by the time he was deemed safe.

And that time home was something he refused to think about.

The only thing he hated to think about more was the reactions when he was finally able to see his friends. They had all hugged him, some had cried, told him how much they loved him and were scared for him. In returned, Jeff had cried and apologized and thanked them for what they'd done.

After the break, when he was welcomed back to his room at Dalton, he had never felt safer. Just him and Nick, and it didn't matter that his arms were still horribly scarred or that it hurt his ribs to move after being home. Because all he could focus on was Nick begging him to stop, crying about how he had never been so afraid in his life and 'please, Jeff, I can't stand here and watch you kill yourself.' And it didn't matter that suicide had never been his intention that day in the bathroom, the only thing he even remembered was Nick looking absolutely terrified and everyone crying because of him and loving him. Nick loving him.

And he promised Nick he would stop. He would ask for help, he would throw all his tools away and he would try.

So there was no reason to worry them, no reason for Wes to fret over his every action or to even bother the rest of the Warblers –Nick in particular – with the news that he had slipped back into it. Then they would only go and worry like they had before, and it wasn't worth all of that.

He refused to sink that low again, so he wouldn't.

. . .

He promised.

* * *

I am SO sorry for not updating this in so long. Life got in the way and things were difficult, I won't bother boring you with the details, but I'm trying to make it so I can update more regularly, but I won't guarantee anything. And I a very sorry I couldn't have this up sooner.

I realize this may not be the most exciting chapter, but I wanted a little introspective look on Jeff's situation as well as delving into what went on before.

I don't have much to say about this, other then I will try my hardest to have the next chapter up before the New Years, as well as update my other story before then. I also added a one-shot, that would take place between the end of this story and my story Lovely that doesn't give too much away for the end of either one, so if you would be interested, take a look there.

Not much else to say, other than the generic I hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think. I hope you are all having a lovely holiday season, and good day to you all:)


	5. Chapter 5

There are certain things that, when a group of people spend enough time around one another, you will instantly pick up on.

For example: If it is before seven am, it is best not to talk to David unless you either a.) can verify he has had coffee already, or b.) have a death wish. A new development, as of late: if Blaine is smiling at his phone and you are the person nearest to him, prepare to have your ear talked off about a boy most of Dalton had seen for a total of four minutes. And if everyone got together for a party and a drunk Wes starts ranting in Mandarin, it's time to cut him off.

One more thing you learn being a Warbler: If you spot Jeff Sterling biting his nails, go get Nick. Immediately.

It was as clear a sign as one could get to being able to tell something was up with the blond boy. The only time he would publicly display being anxious or upset, showing he couldn't internalize it any longer. A warning sign. And it wasn't as if no one else wanted to help him; on the contrary, those who were aware of exactly what it could entail were afraid to let him out of their sight. They wanted to help him. It was just that Nick was the best person for the job.

So when a rather wide-eyed freshman by the name of Aaron told Nick he had seen the boy biting his nails down to the cuticle, he didn't even think twice. He just raced to the location Aaron had given him -on the east side of the school, the courtyard just outside the library. Sure enough, his friend was there looking perfectly fine, stretched out on a stone bench with an Economics book across his lap.

And chewing on his nails.

Well, he let the hand he was biting fall into his lap when he spotted his out-of-breath friend. "Hey, Nicky!" After quickly scanning his friend over for any other subtle signs of distress, Nick returned the greeting while Jeff made room on the bench for him to sit. "What's up?"

There was no point in trying to be nonchalant about his sudden appearance, because that would just give Jeff an opportunity to change and stay off the subject. "Um… Aaron said you looked like you needed to talk."

Jeff scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion before realization hit him and he began running his thumb over his nails. To clarify his theory, he then held up his hand to show Nick. "This? Nothing, just stressing about next weekend." That was severely downplaying the panic he had been trying to suppress. He had been shaking, nauseous to the point of puking, and felt like he would pass out since the morning. But stressing was simply lessening it, not denying it, so he wasn't lying.

Nicky didn't need to know that.

He nodded at Jeff's hand. "Yeah, that. You know you can tell me anything right?" why did it seem like he had to keep reassuring Jeff of that so much as of late? It had been about two weeks since Nick had talked with Blaine, and since then, it seemed like he had nothing but make sure Jeff knew who to talk to.

For a second, it looked as if Jeff was about to spill his guts out. Hesitantly, though, he bit his lip and just shook his head."Yeah, I know that. It's just from exams. It's nothing bad, Nicky. I'm promising you here." He beamed a smile at Nick, large and bright, but Nick refused to buy it.

Last time Jeff had bit his nails, he was found with a lighter pressed to his skin. Time before, last year's Spring Break, he returned to school with bruises around his neck. Exams didn't make Jeff bite his nails. Personal Hell made Jeff bite his nails.

He knew where this conversation would lead if he didn't keep pressing. Still, it was always worth a shot. "You know there's nothing forcing you to go home, right? You can tell them 'no.'"

"You know I can't. Nicky, they're my _parents_." Nick sighed and set his head in his hands. They had gotten into one too many arguments about this, and Jeff was just so damn _stubborn_ that he would not listen to reason. Which, fine, Nick tried to understand. You spend years living and thinking one way, it couldn't be expected of you to change overnight. But still, why wouldn't he just _listen?_ "No one is _making_ me do anything. God, how many times do I have to tell you I'll be fine?"

"How many times am I going to have to tell _you_ that you WON'T be fine?" Nick spoke a little louder than he had intended, and felt a pang of guilt when he saw Jeff flinch back. "Sorry, it's just. . . damn it, Jeff, you say you'll be fine every time, and then every time, you come back hurt." And that was true. He would try to hide it, but never successfully. A limp, occasional gasps of pain at the slightest movement.

And they all knew why. From the minute Nick had brought up the possibility while they were sitting around the emergency room, it had clicked in everyone's mind. Yet no matter how much they tried to talk to him, to get him help, he would shut down and tell them he could handle it. Which, naturally, did nothing to assuage their worries. Especially not after everything they had done to try and help him recover.

Jeff shook his head, face twisted in an emotion somewhere between anger and sadness. Before either could say anything, they were halted by a faint ringing. Jeff held up a finger to pause them and reached into his bag for his phone. Nick watched as he scanned the text message, and then when he moved to put his textbook into his bag. "Look, I have to go."

"Jeff, I'm sorry, can we just- -" He was cut off by Jeff standing up and pulling his bag over his shoulder. Jeff's phone was still in his hand, and while rereading the text, he decided to go with the lesser of two evils in this situation.

**Mama Warbler (3:42): Can you come meet me in the practice room? Rehearsal's canceled, btw.**

"Nicky, I really need to go take care of something. Can we. . . I don't know, can we please just talk about this later?" _Or not. Can we please forget this conversation ever happened?_ Nick didn't reply to Jeff's question, but he gave a small nod. Jeff thanked him before taking off back into the main building.

Left to himself, Nick sighed and sat on the bench Jeff had been occupying. He was going to have to plan things out before Jeff got back to their dorm tonight

* * *

It was odd to see the halls so empty this time of day. Then again, it was also strange for rehearsal to be cancelled on such short notice.

It wasn't the first time Wes had cancelled practice, but he usually at least told David and Thad why. He had figured he would ask about it, assuming Wes had simply not had time to inform him and Thad beforehand. He had planned on going to Wes's dorm anyways to work on an English assignment, but he had not been there. The only other place he could possibly be at this time of day was the Warbler's practice room. So that's where David was headed.

Unexpectedly, he found the door to their meeting room shut. Strange, seeing as how it was open unless they were actually having a meeting. David was about to check if it was unlocked when he heard familiar voices coming through the walls.

"Did you go and get it checked out?"

"It was just a scratch, there wasn't any point."

"…damn it, Jeff." There was the sound of movement before someone let out a huge sigh. That was Wes, he could tell that much.

He felt wrong about eavesdropping on his friends, but he – like everyone else – had noticed the change in Jeff's behavior. Of course, there was talk amongst them about what had happened, and they had all been avoiding the most obvious explanation.

Wes had the tendency to be a bit. . . pushy when it came to his particular brand of empathy, but he could admit that worked on some people. David, on the other hand, tried to give people their privacy. That isn't to say he wasn't concerned, and he had been meaning to ask Wes if he had noticed anything about the blond sophomore, but it had never seemed like a good time. Thought if the conversation he was overhearing was anything to go by, Wes already knew what had been going on with Jeff.

Alright, he'll admit, curiosity got the best of him. He pressed his ear closer to the door, ignoring the part of his morals saying to respect them in favor for the part of his brain wanting to help.

"I know you said I should come find you, but everything's been so busy lately, it never seemed like a good time." Jeff spat out at a rapid speed, barely audible to David through the wood.

"Alright, now you're just making excuses." And that was Wes's disappointed voice. Ouch. None of the Warblers were fans of that tone. What on earth could Jeff had possibly done to warrant _**that?**_

"There you are!" David literally jumped back at the sudden shout through the previously quiet hallway. He managed not to scream in shock, deciding instead to shoot a glare as Thad walked closer to him. "I've been looking all over for you. Why are you here?"

"I was looking for Wes."

Thad nodded, glancing over at the closed door. "I don't suppose you know why he cancelled practice?" David shrugged. "Me, neither. But listen, you wanna do me a favor?"

"Uh. . . " Truthfully, David wanted to talk to Wes. Maybe if he confronted him about this, he could finally get some answers. But if they didn't want anyone to know, there must be a reason. He would at least respect that much. "Yeah, sure. What is it?"

Thad gave him a look, noticing something was off but having the decency not to mention it. "Alright, so my niece has been bugging me to play dress-up with her next rehearsal I got off." David couldn't help it; he snickered. "Silencio. Anyways, if I go home now, that's how I'll be stuck spending my afternoon. So is it alright if I crash in your dorm until she goes home?"

"Well, I don't know how I feel about you using me to get out of your uncle duties. Yeah, yeah, that's fine," he said when Thad gave him a look that could kill, as an idea settled itself in his mind. "We need to talk anyways."

"I'm guessing you mean about something in particular?" Thad asked as the two of them headed back down the corridor.

"Yeah. We need to talk about Jeff."

On the other side of the door, Wes was wracking his brain trying to think of what to say. He had told Jeff to come find him, and he hadn't. He had told Jeff to tell someone, and he hadn't. He had told _himself_ he would keep a closer eye on Jeff, and he hadn't. He was at a complete loss. They had been gathered at lunch when he noticed Jeff clutching his forearm on and off, and avoiding eye contact whenever Wes tried to initiate it.

Every red flag in his brain was telling him to notify someone. They had tried to handle this on their own before, and the end result had been a night spent anxiously awaiting news in a cold hospital corridor. He sighed from where he stood against the wall, looking across at his young friend. "Jeff. . . I'm not kidding around, you need to _stop."_ He used his most authoritative voice, giving Jeff a hard look. "If the school finds out about this, if your _parents_ find out about this," Jeff visibly stiffened at this, "then things are going to be worse than last time. Isn't that what they told you?"

Jeff refused to answer. Wes was right, of course, but he didn't want to acknowledge it. Then again, if he had just been smarter and hidden it better, he wouldn't be in this situation. He wouldn't be spending his nights terrified of word getting to the faculty about his little. . . he hesitated to call it a problem, but that was the word Wes insisted on using.

There was a part of his brain screaming at him to obey Wes, and to tell people. It would save him in the long run, and he would probably be able to avoid going back to the hospital. He _**refused**_ to go back there. But that's what they had told him. If he started again, he would be sent back. The first time had been bad enough. Talk of medication, therapists, textbook terms, yelling, hurting, pain and fuck fuck fuck. . . "Wes, please, _please_ don't tell anyone. I can't go back there."

"I won't tell anyone if you _stop_ Jeff. That's all I'm asking." By now, there was panic in Wes's voice, and it did nothing to stop Jeff's guilt. It took all of his self-control not to stomp out of the room. God, this was never what he had wanted. A few times, a bit of relapse, that's all he had wanted. That's all it _had_ been, but he had to be clumsy. Wes had to find out, and things had to go to Hell, and here Jeff was speechless. "I'm not trying to scare you or anything here, I swear I'm not. But if the others found out about this, they would be terrified. No one. . . " Wes had to pause to come up with just the right words. "We don't want a repeat of last year."

"And you think I do?" His voice was shaking, and it sounded like was on the edge of either shouting or crying. Possibly both. God, he could not deal with this right now. The fight with Nicky, this little confrontation, going home in a few days. . . not to mention all the homework he had been procrastinating as long as he could, and going over the choreography for Sectionals. Then,on top of trying to keep anyone else from finding out about his little slips, he had his stupid, unstable emotions to contend with that refused to give him even a moment of reprieve. . .He lowered himself onto a couch, trying to steady his breathing,

Wes tensed up, taken aback at the sudden panic attack. Shit. "Okay, Jeff, just . . . calm down, okay?" He slowly sat down beside him and began rubbing circles on his back. Jeff flinched slightly at the unexpected touch, but was more concerned with not hyperventilating to ask Wes to stop. Small steps. "Can you at least tell Nick? Maybe he's all who needs to know." The response was a furious shake of that blond head.

"It'd kill him, he's. . .he's already freaking out about me going home in a few days, and I don't. . . I can't give him any reason to worry more."

"He's going to worry anyways; he's your best friend." He waited a second for his words to sink in before continuing. "You remember a few weeks ago when you found out he hadn't been sleeping, and you freaked out? It's like that, but so much worse, Jeff." If he was being completely honest, he wanted to press Jeff further. But it looked like the kid was barely holding it together as was, and anything more could result in a complete break.

What else could he do? Wes exhaled deeply before speaking again. "I know I already told you this, but I need you to heed my words, okay? If you want to do this again, come to my room. Or surround yourself with people; you know the Warblers would be willing to talk to you. You don't even have to tell them why, they'd understand." He looked for some signal that Jeff heard him, but he just kept his head lowered with his hair covering his face. Wes ceased rubbing his back and leaned forward to try and look him in the eyes. "Jeff?"

"I'm okay," he tried to say as his voice cracked. "I'll be okay." With a shuddery breath, he pulled himself back up into a proper sitting position and exhaled.

"Jeff?"

"I'll come find you next time. Or. . . Nick, or Blaine, or. . . I'll find someone." Jeff swallowed, avoiding eye-contact. He finally managed to catch his breath, and was now trying to ignore the little voices in his mind yelling at him that _no no no he doesn't care he shouldn't care you're making things worse for everyone _and _stupid Jeff why can't you even keep a stupid little secret?_

Wes didn't know how trustworthy he was being. But he had tried pushing, and that had been an anxiety attack (when did Jeff start having those again, anyways?) And of course, he couldn't just leave it be. He had spent the past few weeks trying to piece together a decent solution, and every time, the cons outweighed the pros. How much faith did he have in Jeff's promise? Not as much as he would have liked, he had to admit. But what could he do?

Just hope he'll keep his word, Wes.

That's all you can do.

* * *

A/N: Good morning, darlings! Or, at least, morning where I am. Good whatever-time-of-day-it-is-when-you're-reading-this, I suppose.

So I know this may not be much, but I wanted to have something up before I head back to school in a few hours. I have the outlines for the next few chapters planned, but the semester starts tomorrow and I'm not sure how much time I'll have to be writing. I'll try to keep them up at a decent pace, but again, I can't guarantee anything. I don't have much to say, other than the normal thank you's for all you lovely readers:) I haven't been in a very good mindset lately, and I have to say, I'm sort of using poor Jeff here as a means of catharsis. Also, it is 9am and I have yet to sleep. I went through this as best I could, but if there are any glaring errors, please let me know.

If it's any consolation, this is the longest chapter of the story thus far, so there's that. I'm going to try and have a Huntbastian one-shot uploaded by the end of the day, and I want to update Lovely before next week Monday, so here's fingers-crossed for those if you read them/are interested. As always, let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoyed reading.


	6. Chapter 6

_Whose idea was it to make hospitals completely white, anyways? They're dreary enough as is; they could at least attempt to not be so damn depressing. The smell of industrial-strength cleaner was almost nauseating, and to be quite frank, it made Nick want to throw up. Then again, that may have something to do with the blood on his clothes and the twisting in his stomach._

_None of them had said anything on the ride over, save for when Thad called ahead to practically beg his mother to run the ER and help treat Jeff ("I don't care if it's against policy, I don't want anyone incompetent touching him!") Afterwards, it had descended into silence until they had arrived at the hospital and made their way to the waiting room. David and Wes had promptly deposited themselves into chairs, exhausted. Thad hadn't sat down, and had decided to pace the mostly empty waiting room. Nick had just slid down against the wall and was sitting on the floor, staring at his hands._

_There were a few people there, but for it being a Thursday evening, it was relatively empty. Each of them was consumed in his own thoughts, and only brought out of it when one of them broke the silence. "Do you think he was trying to. . . ?"_

_"No." Nick answered, not waiting – or wanting- for Thad to finish his question. "He said he didn't want to die, and I believe him."_

_If any of the other boys thought differently, they didn't say, and Thad dropped the subject. He cast his eyes down to the ground as they went silent again. When he looked up again, he made the other three jump when he shouted, "Mom!"_

_Like every other worker in the hospital, Dr. Harwood looked exhausted, and there was blood on her coat, but she still gave the boys a weary smile as she approached them. Thad had immediately ran up when he'd spotted her. "What's going on? Is he going to be okay?" He asked frantically_

_She put her hand on her son's shoulder to calm him down, and gave a small smile before answering him."We stitched him up and gave him a transfusion. As long as he doesn't have any adverse reaction to that, he'll be just fine." There was a collective sigh of relief as each of them took in the news. "It looks like he managed not to go into shock for quite some time, and that definitely helped."_

_"That was Nick." Wes pointed out, causing everyone to glance over at him. He hadn't spoken since before the whole incident in the bathroom, and his voice was a bit hoarse. He coughed to fix it before continuing. "I guess it was. David and Thad were working on stopping the blood flow, and Thad told Nick to talk to him. So, they all helped, I suppose."_

_"Thank God for that. It's easy for someone to go into shock, and then the person... Doesn't make it. It's a good thing you boys did what you did. You saved his life."_

_How was it a 'good thing'? Nothing about this night could be labeled as 'good.' Walking in on an exsanguinating fourteen year old was not good. Spending a night in a hospital waiting room to hear news about said fourteen year old was not good. They shouldn't have HAD to save his life; this was never supposed to happen. They had told him, every single Warbler had made him promise, to talk to one of them instead of resorting to this… But no, the idiot had to go and not listen to them. Nick pressed his palms against his closed eyes. God, these lights were giving him a migraine…_

_"We managed to get in contact with his parents, and they're on his way, but they're out of state and it's going to take them awhile."_

_"Can we see him?" Nick asked hopefully. Dr. Harwood looked past Thad, not having initially noticed him._

_"I'm sorry, boys, but he can't see anyone until his parents are here. Family only." She told them. Thad opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it when she gave him a poignant look. "Look, I need to get back to work, but if you boys want, you can all just come back to our house tonight. It'd be easier than driving all the way back to school, at the very least." She told them with a weak smile._

_None of them seemed to want to answer, so Thad just gave a small nod. "Alright. Thanks, Mom." She pulled him into a quick hug before heading back towards the emergency room._

_Once she was out of sight, David looked back down at his hands while Thad sunk down next to him. "At least now his parents can know." Wes said with his eyes on his best friends, grasping for any sort of silver lining. "They can get him help for this."_

_"I don't know about that." Nick piped in from his spot on the ground. He looked up to see the older boys looking at him quizzically, and took a deep breath before speaking up again. "I think his parents hurt him. I think that's part of why he does this."_

_All three of them visibly stiffened, and Nick went back to picking at the dirt on his shoe. "Are... Nick, are you sure about that?" David asked, knowing how big of an accusation that was. It was always a consideration, of course, but not one that any of them had given much thought to._

_Nick shrugged, trying to focus on removing the mud. "No, but he gets twitchy when people talk about their parents. Sometimes, when he's on the phone with them, he looks like he's about to cry. And he doesn't talk much afterwards. Maybe they don't hit him, but I can guarantee they don't treat him the way they should."_

_"That's a pretty big accusation, Nick."_

_He shot Thad a 'no-fucking-duh' look. "Look, I didn't say it was for sure, and Jeff never came right out and told me so I don't know. It was just a thought." He said defensively. He shook his head, trying to shake the thought from his head and giving up on his dirty shoes_

_"My cousin did this." Now all of their attention turned to Thad, who shrugged. "Or... sort of. She downright tried to kill herself a few years back, and they put her in a ward so she could get help. I remember my mom saying that was standard procedure, so I guess… as long as his parents agree to it, that's what'll probably happen."_

_"You're saying they're just going to lock him up?" David asked, his eyebrows knitting together._

_"I don't know, I'm just telling you what my mom's told me."_

_"So what? They're going to put him in some hospital? Give him a whole bunch of pills or some shit? He's not crazy, he doesn't need that stuff."_

_Wes opened his mouth to speak up, not wanting this night to get any worse, but was cut off before the words could leave his mouth."I take pills, David. For depression,in case you forgot. Nick takes pills, too, otherwise he'd never fucking sleep. Does that make us crazy?" Thad shouted, completely offended._

_"No! God, no, I'm sorry. That's not what I meant, it's just..." At this point, David gave up trying to explain himself and just slumped over in defeat. Finally, the events of the day seemed to be catching up with all of them. It was getting late - approaching 9pm- and they were all a bit stressed. None of them had gotten a chance to eat, and spending a few hours in cramped hospital chairs after being crouched on a bathroom floor didn't make for the clearest mindsets. It wasn't much surprise that they were on the verge of tearing at each other's throats out._

_Thad didn't say anything to David's apology, but he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Look, guys… My mom was right, it's not doing anyone any good just sitting here and sulking. I mean, we all need food and sleep. Let's just go back to my house for the night and we can figure this shit out in the morning, okay?"_

_"Something tells me it's going to take more than one morning to sort this out."David remarked, but agreed that it was a good idea. Wes gave no verbal reply, but nodded his head and stood up. The three boys looked over at Nick, who was still sitting on the floor._

_He glanced up at them and, with a deadpan expression, told them, "I'm not leaving him."_

_"Nick... Come on, man, you're not gonna be able to sleep well if you pass out in a chair. Come back with us._

_"Like I'd actually be able to sleep after this..." He whispered under his breath, barely audible for them to hear._

_Wes sighed, moving forward so that he could kneel down in front of the younger boy. "Nick, you need to sleep. Do you really think Jeff would feel better knowing you were hurting yourself because of him? He'd want you to take care of yourself first and foremost."_

_"So? He didn't seem to care about us worrying when he decided to slit his wrists, why the hell should I care about him worrying?" Nick hissed out, suddenly aware of the tears running, warm and thick, down his face. He didn't know when he'd started crying; he only knew that he wanted to walk right into Jeff's room, slap the blond and then hold him until they were forced apart._

_He'd tried to ignore it, tried to act like he didn't know when Jeff had done it. But they were roommates, they were closer than best friends, and there was only so much Jeff could do to hide the blood and the bandages._

_And it wasn't as if he wanted his best friend to keep hurting himself. Some nights, he refused to sleep just so he could keep an eye on Jeff. He fell asleep one too many nights terrified that he'd wake up to find Jeff in a pool of his own blood. He'd have nightmares about it. He'd told himself he was being overly dramatic. But then this happened, and his best friend was lying in a hospital with stitched-up wrists and Nick literally had Jeff's blood on his hands. He wanted to be mad, God fucking knows he wanted to be mad. And he was. And sad, of course, because he saw how upset Jeff had been throughout the day. When he'd excused himself to the restroom, Nick knew he should have called him out. He knew what Jeff was going to do, but he never could have known it would go like this._

_But above all the anger, and sadness, and pure confusion Nick was feeling, the one that effaced all of them was his relief. And wasn't that just the fucked up thing? People shouldn't have to be relieved that their best friend didn't kill himself._

_He didn't want to cry. He hated crying, especially in front of other people. He'd even refused to do it at his grandfather's funeral. Usually, the only thing that made him cry was frustration over his messed up sleep schedule. Jeff had never even seen that. Right now, though, he didn't care. He brought his knees up to his chest and curled in on himself._

_Wes looked behind him at David and Thad, their eyes as wide as his, and gave them a pleading look. They both approached the other two, Thad leaning against the wall and David kneeling next to Wes."Nick… we all knew why he left practice, but none of us said anything. Maybe if we had…" Wes swallowed and shook his head. "Maybe we should have told someone, a teacher or something, when we first found out. And things like this. . . they aren't easy to stop, and we shouldn't have expected Jeff to be able to do it on his own. This wasn't anyone's fault." He finished softly_

_None of them were sure if Nick was even registering their words; he just continued to cry and avoid looking at them. God, he felt pathetic. Jeff was lying in the hospital, and here he was acting like he was the one who almost died. He was listening to Wes's words, knowing they were true, and felt someone put an arm on his shoulder as he took deep breaths to try and calm himself. "That's it, Nick. Try and calm down."_

_Thad took his hand off of Nick's shoulder and sighed, letting his body slump forward. "Okay, let's just. . . go back to my house. If anything happens, my mom'll let us know, and we can all calm down before we kill each other." The other three didn't speak, but David nodded and stood back up. Wes followed his lead, taking a hold of Nick's bicep to pull him up as well. He protested at first, gripping the wall for support, and then gave up on that._

_Once he was back on his feet, he refused to look at the others and kept his eyes on the ground. He was beyond exhausted, and while he hated himself for thinking it while his best friend spent the night in the hospital, a good night's sleep sounded perfect right about now._

_Someone through an arm around his shoulder as they made their way ouside. Nick looked over to see Thad walking beside him, offering him an obviously forced smile as he led him to Wes's car. "He's going to be alright."_

_Nick wished more than anything that he could believe Thad's words._

* * *

A/N: Hello, dears. Alright, I know this may not be much, but I have been wanting to get this up for a while now and I told myself I couldn't sleep until I did. I am beyond tired, and it was a bit hard to do with the anxiety attack I had a while ago, but I managed to finish it. I felt like I owed you guys something, even if it isn't as much as if could be.

Classes started up again and my schedule is not the easiest, I can tell you that much. And as you can probably tell, I'm not the most stable person out there, so sometimes I get bad and need to take time off. Only problem with that is that I feel bad for just leaving my readers without much of an actual reason, and it's more of a self-imposed guilt thing and it gets to me. But I'm trying convince myself that I need to take time for myself without feeling guilty about it. I'm not saying I'm going to do that right now. I'm just warning you guys that it may be a while before I update again, and I really am sorry for that.

Anyways, barring that little warning, I hope you guys enjoyed this. It gave ma chance to draw on me being on the opposite side of these situations, and putting myself into my friend's viewpoints. And it hurt, but I think it was effective (affective? That's the one grammar point I always forget)

Also, quick bit: because the Glee writers seem to have decided that Dalton is a time portal, I had to try and make up plausible grades for these guys. So in the flashbacks, Blaine, Nick and Jeff are freshman, Thad and David are sophomores, and Wes is a junior. For non-flashback chapters, just add a year, and if I need to state someone else's grade, I will. I had to re-read the Wes one-shot I wrote months ago to try and remember some of my own headcanons for these guys.

If you liked if, please let me know. As always, feedback is BEYOND appreciated. I hope you all like this little interlude, and have a lovely day. And now, I shall sleep. Good day.


	7. Chapter 7

Jeff took a deep breath as he stood in front of his dorm room door. He couldn't have been standing there for more than a few minutes, but it felt like it'd been hours. He realized he was going to have to face Nick sooner or later, and he'd put it off as long as he could. Sure, he felt like an idiot after his little break down in front of Wes, but he welcomed the excuse it bought him to get away from Nicky. And honestly, the fact that he had been so eager to get away from his best friend only made him feel like such a worse person.

After he'd left Wes, he went to try and finish up some homework with Trent before walking slowly back to his own room. His stomach twisted at the mere thought over whatever Nick was going to say, and he wanted nothing more than to run to the nearest bathroom and break out his little silver friend.

He wouldn't do that, though. Not now, no matter how desperately he wanted it. Every instinct in him was saying to cut. His forearms practically craved it. He felt like he would be sick the second he walked in.

But this was for Nicky.

Nick is your best friend…

He just wants to help.

He continued to repeat this mantra in his head as he finally gathered the courage to enter the room. It was quiet, and he quickly spotted Nick lying on his bed with a textbook laid out in front of him. He looked up when Jeff entered, his expression a bit difficult to read.

Jeff tried to give Nick his biggest smile as he walked over to his own bed, but he knew it looked fake. "Hey there."

"Hey yourself." Nick said, sitting up and closing his textbook. He shifted himself into a cross-legged position as Jeff set his bag down and sat on his bed. Nick knew Jeff better than anyone else, and no matter how mad he was with him, he still noticed Jeff's obvious nerves. The way he chewed his bottom lip, how he kept pulling down his sleeves to cover his hands, the way he was averting his gaze. That told Nick one thing: he would have to start this conversation himself. "So…who texted you earlier?"

Jeff paused for a second, expecting a lot of questions, but certainly not that one. "Oh, um, Wes." He said honestly, without thinking. He mentally slapped himself when Nick gave him a confused look, and then added "Um, he wanted to talk about the choreography for Sectionals."

He wasn't sure if Nick bought it, but he received a nod nonetheless. Jeff waited for Nick to say something -anything- but he merely stared at Jeff expectantly.

Jeff fidgeted from his bed, childishly hoping that Nick would forget this whole thing if he didn't look at him. Guilt gnawed at his stomach as he realized that was only his own selfish want. Nick wanted him to talk, and he could at least give him that much. "Nicky, I'm sorry." He finally spat out. Nick didn't say anything but also didn't shift his gaze off of Jeff. Biting his lip, Jeff took a deep breath before continuing. "I didn't… I had no right to get like I did when we were talking earlier, I've just been so freaking stressed and I was mad and I just sort of—"

"No, it's alright." Nick quickly cut in to stop Jeff's rambling. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, giving him a much better view of his roommate. "I get it. I did kind of… attack you about the whole thing out of nowhere, and that wasn't cool." He gave Jeff an apologetic look and shrugged.

Across the room, Jeff watched Nick carefully. Silence filled the space as they looked at each other, both caught up in their own thoughts before either was willing to speak.

At first, Jeff opened his mouth to apologize once again, but Nick interjected. "I don't want things to get bad again, Jeffy." He admitted quietly, looking down as he did so "I don't want to see you like that again, and if you go home, then…" He shook his head with a heavy sigh. "You're going to end up hurt again. I know that and you know that. So just… Please, Jeff."

If it were possible, Jeff felt the guilt in his chest grow even more. God, how was he supposed to make this better? It would help Nick if he didn't go home, but he couldn't just not go. Nick didn't really expect him to stay away from his family, did he? Well of course he did. They had this conversation every time Jeff had to go back home. Nick didn't like it, and none of the Warblers who had caught on liked it. But that just didn't get it. Sure, maybe his parents were a bit rough at times, but they still loved him… Right?

Without thinking, Jeff brought his hand up and began biting on his nails. It was the closest he could get to actual relief at the moment. When Nick was asleep, he would just sneak off to the bathroom… No, that would only make it worse. What if Nick caught him one of these days? Or what if Wes decides to tell someone? He was such a fucking idiot for being caught.

It would kill Nick. Jeff had never hated himself more than he had that first night he talked to Nick after his stay in the hospital. Nick had just sat in their dorm room crying because of him. As if he was worth that much. And the crying, and the begging, and Jeff agreeing he'd quit. All of it for nothing.

Now here Nick was again, begging him. Maybe not on the same level, but Jeff knew. He was scaring Nick. Or rather, Nick was scared for him. But it all equaled out to the same thing, and that was enough to flare Jeff s anxiety once more.

"Jeff, stop." He was brought out his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder. When had Nicky sat down next to him? "You're hurting yourself." He tilted his head in confusion before Nick pulled down his hand to show him. The sides were raw from where he bit, and there were specks of red visible right where his nail met the skin.

He immediately let his hand drop, slipping his long sleeves past his hands to hide them. "Nicky, I'm sorry for getting mad." He finally managed to stutter out "It's just… I mean, they're my parents and I'll be fine. I'm always fine."

"No, you're not." Nick's tone was almost one of defeat as he looked right into his friend's eyes. "Jeff, when you came back after your last visit, you missed class for three days straight! You're asking me to just let them hurt you, but I can't do anything about it."

Jeff tried to speak, but he couldn't make the rights words come out. He sighed heavily. "Nicky, look. . . I don't want to fight with you over this. Hell, I don't want to fight with you at all," he quickly added. He eyed Nick warily, scanning him for any hint that was he was saying was getting through. "I'm going home next weekend." It finally looked like Nick had something to say but Jeff cut him off. "I'm going home, and we can talk it out when I come back. Okay?"

His tone was borderline begging Nick to agree. There wasn't much else he could do for the time being but try to compromise, so that's what he had to do. He could see the apprehensive look on Nick's face, noted the way his mouth had formed into a thin line and his brow was furrowed. Jeff just kept his focus on him, hoping that it would be enough to convince Nick to just drop it – forget the entire thing – just for the time being.

It was only a few (painfully slow] seconds until Nick nodded and Jeff felt as if a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders. He mouthed his thanks and smiled over at his best friend, who nodded once again. "But if anything happens this time, we're talking about it the second you get back." He left no room for debate.

To say Jeff would be an understatement. At least he didn't have to worry about Nick being against him while he was gone. The last thing he wanted to have to deal with alongside his parents was the thought that he had pissed off one of the few people who actually gave a damn about him. Nick finally shot him a smile after walking back over to his own bed, and Jeff honestly felt like it was the greatest thing he had seen all day.

He returned the smile, but it was promptly stopped by the vibration he felt in his pocket. He held up a finger to pause Nick, though it seemed pointless as he watched Nick pull out his own phone. Jeff reached in and pulled it out, his face twisting into perfect example of confusion as he read.

**From: **Papa Warbler

Emergency Warbler meeting. Fourth floor hallway, immediately.

Jeff looked up from the text to see Nick staring at his own with curiosity. "I'm guessing you got a text from David, too?" That was the odd part. They had emergency meetings in the past, usually when they had personal business of a group member to attend to and needed to meet up to figure things out. Nick had told Jeff that they had more than a few meetings behind his back to try and sort out the cutting when they first found out. These meetings weren't weird. What was weird was having someone other than Wes announce them.

Nick nodded before pocketing his phone and pushing himself up off the bed. Jeff followed his lead wordlessly, trailing behind him as they exited the room. Both of them had a million thoughts racing through their minds, all wondering exactly what sort of predicament had arisen this time.

They made their way one floor up, and were immediately met with a hall full if both confused and tired-looking Warblers. They were sitting against either wall talking to themselves, with the exception of David and Thad, who were standing across from each other silently. This in and of itself was enough to raise questions, since Thad lived off-campus and was usually home by now. Emergency meetings were only called this late in extreme circumstances, but it was never asked for the few Warblers who didn't live in the dorms to drive all the way back to Dalton. So why was Thad here, then?

"What's going on?" Nick whispered to Trent as him and Jeff sat down on the floor. His answer was a shrug, and before Nick had a chance to ask anything further, it was cut off by David clearing his throat to get everyone's attention.

Once he was sure all eyes were on him, David pushed himself off of the wall to face them. He cast a glance at Thad, who gave a curt nod, before speaking. "So, sorry to drag you guys out this late, but there's been a sort of… incident." The small group looked at him with expectant eyes, and David could only bite his lip before looking over at Thad, silently begging him to take over.

"Alright, so… About two hours ago, we went to talk to Wes about something we wanted to get sorted out." Thad took over, leaving out the part where said "something" was confronting their friend over just what was going on with Jeff. There were a few nods in understanding, prompting him to continue. "Anyways, we get there and he just sort of… Lost it. He was screaming, and rambling in Chinese, so we have no clue what the hell he was saying, and I'm pretty sure he didn't even know. He was just going on and on, and it was pretty freaking terrifying if I may say so my-"

"Point is," David quickly cut him off when he realized Thad was dancing around the subject, "we freaked out and dragged the nurse in once he'd calmed down. Or, we think he had calmed down. He still wasn't speaking English, but he was sort of mumbling in Chinese and… lying there. It's like he completely shut down." There was suddenly dead silence in the hallway as each person's brain frantically tried to process exactly what was being said. From his spot between Nick and Trent, Jeff stared at the two council members with wide eyes and frantic thoughts.

"The nurse said it looks like he had some sort of break, most likely from stress." Thad took back over after a quick glance to David, seeing that his friend needed a second to gather his own thoughts. "She says he'll be fine as long as he relaxes for a few days. I mean, if it was stress induced, that's the most logical thing. No Warbler duties, student council, anything like that. Just class until he can sort out whatever it is that fucked him over."

"We have Sectionals in three weeks! How are we supposed to get ready without someone in charge?"

"Well, I guess it's a good fucking thing you have two other people in charge, now isn't it Mason?" Thad spat out rather venomously at one of the more obnoxious underclassmen, his tone enough to shut up any other comments that could have been said on the topic. He looked around at the group with a look of pure anger, stopping to take a deep breath before continuing. " He should be just fine in time for competition, but until then, he's off limits for anyone to go bitching to." They had all expected his voice to be just as malicious as before, but instead he said it softly and barely understandable.

From beside him, David sighed heavily and took a step forward to address the group as a while. "Look, this was just to let you guys know what's going on. Let's face it, this has probably been coming for weeks now, and there's not a whole lot we can do about it now. We just have to convince him that this break is a good thing. And try not to bother him, that's what this whole meeting was mainly about. I get that a lot of us kinda flock to him with problems and the like, but just… Not now. If it's super important, you know any of the rest of us can talk it out with you. But until we're sure he's going to be alright, we're not going to bother with things he doesn't have to worry about. Alright?"

Around him, Jeff could hear the muttered agreement, but he found himself unable to respond. Wes had seemed perfectly fine earlier when they'd spoken. Hell, not even three hours ago, Wes was talking him out of a panic attack. And Jeff was, once again, begging for the older boy's secrecy. The nurse said it was stress induced… How much of that was brought on by having to monitor Jeff in secret? He wasn't known as 'Mama Warbler' for nothing, Wes was a natural-born caretaker. And Jeff had seen how much of that Wes was investing on him. No way could it have been good for him. Oh, God…

He was too focused on trying to fight back the wave of nausea that hit him that he didn't realize David crouching down next to him. Jeff was brought back to reality when he felt a strong hand in his shoulder, flinching at the unexpected touch.

David quickly withdrew his hand and shot Jeff an apologetic look. Jeff fidgeted slightly, but managed to contain himself from having another bout of panic. "Hey, I'm sorry to ask, but I know you talked to Wes earlier." If it was possible, Jeff could have sworn his chest grew even tighter. "I was just wondering if you'd notice anything off about him? Acting weird or something like that?"

Jeff swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat as his mind thought up an answer. No, Wes hadn't been acing any different that someone else would if they had to talk down their anxiety-ridden friend and make sure he didn't bleed out on a day to day basis.

He wanted to fess up, stand and confess to his fellow Warblers that the last few weeks had given Wes something else to focus on that most definitely could not have been helpful. He wanted to scream at them that he was sorry and hurting and _dear God, please just don't hate me I tried but I'm too much of a fuck-up to stop._

Instead of saying anything at all, he simply shook his head at David's question.

* * *

Jeff was pacing. Literally, pacing, back and forth and back and forth, between his bed and Nick's. The other boy was lying down, his eyes following Jeff's every move. With a sigh, he reached over to grab and halt his blond friend. "Y'know, wearing a hole in the floorboards isn't going to help anyone here."

As soon as he could no longer move, Jeff switched to biting his nails. "I don't see how you can hold still right now, Nicky. Wes completely fucking lost it." He had somehow found his voice the second they returned to the room, and now it felt like he couldn't hold still if he wanted to. His heart was beating a mile a minute and his mind refused to slow down.

Nick released Jeff from his grasp and sighed. "Yeah, but there's nothing we can do about it. They said he'd be okay as long as he takes a break for a few days, he's going to be fine." There was no point in telling Jeff not to worry, because that would only be counterproductive. At the very least, he could try and quell Jeff's physical anxiety.

"That doesn't help what's already happened."

"Jeff, why are you acting like this is your fault?" Nick didn't miss the way Jeff tensed up, his body going still for the first time since they'd arrived back. He had noticed that, too. Everything Jeff said made it seem like he was taking full responsibility for this entire situation.

Jeff didn't know how to respond to that. Because Nicky couldn't know that this might very well have been his fault. Wes was used to performing a balancing act between extracurriculars and academics, and as far as Jeff knew, nothing there had changed. Except now Wes had decided to focus more of his time into keeping an eye on Jeff, and God only knows what that had done. The guy took too much time to worry about others, it wasn't the first time he had neglected his own health. And making sure one of your friends was still alive and moderately well on top of whatever else Wes had going on could not have done him many favors in the whole self-care department.

Instead of giving Nick an outright answer, Jeff sat down on the bed and leaned back against the wall. Nick moved himself around so that they were side by side. "Just… Y'know, we should have seen he was stressing out too much. Maybe we could have done something to help ease it up before this." Like not let him discover your little secret, dumbass. No. Jeff squeezed his eyes tightly shut in an attempt to block out the thoughts. This isn't a pity-party, Sterling, this is 'figure out how to help Wes' time.

"I know what you mean. This sucks, but… everyone has their breaking point, and it's not like he would have listened to us anyways if we told him to chill out. David said he's been stressing for weeks about every little thing, so I don't really think there was anything anyone could have done."

Jeff frowned, but nodded. Nick looked over him closely, noting the twitch of Jeff's lip, the way he was bouncing his leg up and down for some sort of movement. Nick moved himself close enough so that he could rest his head on Jeff's shoulder. He felt his friend tense up, but relaxed almost immediately after. "What's important is that nothing too terribly bad went down. So he freaked out, it happens to everyone. If this is what it took for Wes to take a freaking break, I guess we can just count ourselves lucky."

Jeff sighed heavily, but placed his own head on top of Nick's while closing his eyes. "I know. You're right." He had to bite back from making any sort of incriminating comment. The anxiety in his body was slowly beginning to mellow out simply by Nick's presence, and the tightness of his chest began to ease up.

He couldn't see it, but he could hear the smile in Nick's voice when he said, "I'm always right." Jeff laughed, pushing himself off of Nick and returning the smile. Nick sat up as well and decided to move back to offer Jeff a bit more space. As soon as

It didn't matter what had just happened, or what had been happening for weeks now. It didn't matter that Jeff wished he could hold Nick in a way he wasn't supposed to hold a friend, and it didn't matter that that thought alone was enough reason to hate himself. All that mattered was that Nick was here. Always here, always working to make Jeff happy and glue Jeff back together, and make Jeff feel loved.

And wasn't that just the worst of it?

He should count himself lucky to have Nick in his life. Hell, he should count himself lucky for each and every person here. His best friends, his brothers. They didn't hurt him. They'd never dream of it. Instead, they loved him. Love which was misplaced, love that he didn't deserve. They deserved more than he could give them. Especially Nick. Sweet, caring, perfect Nick with the pathetic liar of a best friend.

Jeff knew what he deserved. And he knew what Nick deserved.

He stood up, casting a quick glance at his roommate as he wordlessly walked to his own bed. He didn't want Nick to know, but he knew that he had to tell him. The longer he tried to keep this hidden, the worse things were going to get. Look at how he'd managed to fuck everything up so far. And even if this hadn't been directly his fault, there wasn't any way that knowing about the cutting would have had any good affect on Wes. It was at least partially his fault, and Jeff would never deny that. Because he had gone and done the one thing he said he would never do. He had hurt one of his friends. He'd hurt his family. Maybe not directly, but no one could convince him that he didn't play some part in this whole thing. And he'd be damned if he let anything like it happen again.

"Nicky… " Nick immediately looked up from his textbook to look across the room at Jeff. He could feel the anxiety building in his chest, and all he wanted was to run from the room. But this had to be done. Fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves, feeling that familiar burn in his forearms, he took a deep breath and said, "I need to tell you something."

* * *

Hello there, darlings! I know it's probably getting annoying to hear me apologize after a long absence, but I really am sorry. But, the good news is, that I am done with school for the year and get as much writing done over Summer break as I possibly can. I've been hit by inspiration lately, and Lovely **will**be updated within the next week for all you who follow it. I've also been writing a lot of Huntbastian drabbles lately, which you can check out on my Tumblr wonderlands-misplaced-habitant if you'd like something to tide you over until I next update. Yes, that was shameless self-promotion, but it's what I do.

As for this chapter, I'm happy with it. Personally, as someone who is trying to recover from self-harm and deals with anxiety, this is extremely therapeutic to work on when things get particularly bad. And now that Jeff is going to tell Nick what's been going on, things can really start taking off. I'm looking forward to how things go from here on out, and I really do hope this made up for my absence. Barring any life stressors, this long of a hiatus shouldn't happen for quite a while.

Let me know what you think, I love hearing your guy's feedback. Once again, I hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to what I have next.


	8. Chapter 8

It almost would have been better if he had screamed. If he had shouted at Jeff, told him how idiotic he was being and how completely and utterly betrayed he felt. Throw things. Even crying would have been better at this point. Jeff didn't think he'd have had a problem if Nick had gone so far as to hit him..

At least it would mean Nicky was here.

He hadn't said anything when Jeff stood there in the middle of the room. Trying to keep the tears from spilling out of his eyes as he held his sleeves up and showed them to his best friend. He barely flinched when Jeff began rambling on and on about he had tried, he really had, but eventually he just cracked and he was too afraid to tell anyone because he knew they would be disappointed in him. Then, when Jeff had begged Nick to say something –"_please just say something, please" – _he hadn't. He had just grabbed his bag from next to his bed and left.

Now it was 2am. Jeff had yet to be asleep. Of course he hadn't, he hadn't stopped crying since Nick walked out. Everything hurt so bad, and not just the slashes he had cut into his arms. He didn't care about the blood, which he knew he should be trying to stop. He didn't care that it was probably going to leave a stain on the bathroom floor, or the comforter on his bed. And he sure as hell didn't care about what would happen if Nick decided to come back and found him like this, which he highly doubted would happen.

He'd done it. He had thought this would be for the best, but he had been wrong. So very, very wrong.

Now Nick was gone, and how could Jeff know if he would ever come back? Not that he could blame him. . . Jeff was an idiot. Had he seriously expected Nick to stay after that? He'd already put the guy through so much, there was bound to be a breaking point eventually. He had been so goddamn naïve.

Without thinking, his wrapped his arms around himself and furiously began scratching at the not yet scabbed over cuts. He didn't think it was possible, but he was sure he had started to cry harder. Normally, he'd be regretting his decision by now. He'd be talking to Nicky to try to not do any more damage, or making his way over to Wes to help calm him down. But he'd fucked that one up just as much as he'd fucked up by telling Nick.

He wanted Nicky _– you don't deserve Nick –_ he wanted to cut deeper – _death is too good for you – _he wanted to find someone for help –_**you don't deserve their help, Jesus Christ, even you can't be this stupid. **_

He couldn't stop shaking. He wanted to scream until his throat was raw and his hand was bleeding from how tightly he was gripping his razor blade, but it was almost as if he was paralyzed.

He'd fucked up. It would have been better if he had just kept this a secret from Nick and let it go on the way it had been. As selfish as he felt, he wouldn't have to worry about anyone ratting on him until after Wes was back in commission, and he could've learned to hide it better between now and then so that Wes would never know if he'd done it. Then Wes wouldn't worry so much, and Nick would remain blissfully in the dark, and everyone could be so happy.

This was a mistake.

He was a mistake.

Jeff couldn't think anymore, it only made the tears fall down faster. Instead, he found the energy in him to toss his razorblade across the room – this whole thing was it's damn fault anyways. Bringing his legs up to his chest, he let himself fall onto his side and curl up on his bed.

Maybe Nicky would come back in the morning. Maybe he'd answer his texts, or at least look at him in class the next day.

Jeff didn't want to think. His alarm clock would be going off in just a couple hours and he'd have to try and pull himself together. He'd already fucked this up, the last thing he needed was to let his grades suffer. He had to pull it together. He didn't want to pull it together. He just wanted to sleep.

* * *

_Hello there! I realize this update is rather short, but I just wanted to get something out to you guys and Jeff was a great catalyst for my own thoughts when I was writing this. I'll try my best to have a new chapter up ASAP, but no promises. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed, and please let me know if you enjoyed reading about Jeff's pain as much as I enjoyed writing it_.


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